Whatever you focus on is what will impact your beliefs, attitudes, and moods. You can choose to focus on what is right about your partner or you can choose to focus on what is wrong about your partner. As a figure of speech, if you choose to focus on the mole on a person, then your attitude and mood concerning the person will be determined by the mole, though the mole represents only a very small portion of the person’s body.
Unfortunately, too many people see conflicts grow in their relationships simply because they have changed their focus. In the beginning, they choose to focus on every other part of the person but the mole. As the relationship progresses, they take a magnifying glass to the mole so that it is the only thing they see. As a result, too many people have lost relationships with great potential.
Perplexed by this problem of focus, a friend once asked: Why is it that people focus on what they like about you when they are trying to get into a relationship with you but then focus on what they do not like when they get into a relationship? I gave him this answer: The lens of excitement and desire at the beginning help us to only see the best in a person, but once those wear off, then we tend to see the rest of the person. Moreover, most people tend to show the best of themselves at the very beginning, then show the rest of themselves as the relationship progresses.
Though what I told him was instructive, it was less than adequate in answering his question. He asked why people focus on what is wrong. I told him that they did not focus more on the problems, but that their eyes were now just opened to the problems that were previously hidden by the passion of a new relationship. Going back to our mole analogy, just because we find out that what we thought was a single mole has been revealed to be moles covering five percent of the body does not mean that ninety-five percent is still not good. All it means is that a magnifying glass may not be needed to see the problem.
For more information, please read Minimizing Conflicts in Relationships